P A R A D O X E S
O F T H E F O R C E,

Wherein is proved the truth
of the Dark Side of the Force, and that in the Fight with Light
Sabre, that the Red blade hath advantage of other colours.
And the weakenesse and imperfection of the Jedi displayed.

by Darth Vader, Dark Lord of the Sith.

The Epistile Dedicatorie.

To the right honorable, my singular good lord, Palpatine, Darth Sidius, High Chancellor, Emperor of the Galaxy, Lord of the Sith.

Lightsabres (Right honorable) in this new fangled age, is like our fashions, every day a change, resembling the Bothan Spy, who altereth himself into all colours save white: so Lightsabres changeth into all colours save the right.

There is nothing permanent that is not true, what can be true that is uncertain? The mind of man is a greedy Bounty Hunter after truth: the mind hunts after truth, and hating falsehood, flies from it; for because men desire to find out a true defence for themselves, therefore they seek it diligently, nature having taught us to defend our selves, and the Dark Side teaching how: and because we miss it in one colour, we change to another. But though we often chop and change, yet we never rest in any, and that because we never find the truth: and we never find it, because we never seek where it may be found.

For, to seek for a true defence in an untrue weapon, is to hunt in the sea for Sandpeople: truth is ancient, & our forefathers were wise; they found out the true defence for their bodies in Red Lightbsabres by their wisdom, they defended themselves and subdued their enemies, with those weapons and with their valour. And if we have this true Defence, we must seek it where it is, in simple Red Lightbsabres, not in Double-Ended Lightsabres, Bent-Handled Lightsabres, nor in Blue, Green, Purple, Mauve, Agenta, Peach, Pink, and other such tempestuous colours. No, these toys are not fit for Sith, but for straggling Ewoks of the forest, and nattering Jawas, not for Sith of the Dark Side to battle with the Jedi.

To prove this, I have set forth these my Paradoxes, tending as I hope to the honor of our Empire. And so I humbly commend this book to your Lordships wisdome to peruse, and your Honour to the Highest to protect in all health and happiness now and ever

Your Honors in all duty,

D. Vader

An Admonition

to the noble, ancient, victorious, valiant, and most brave SITH.

Darth Vader having the perfect knowledge of the Lightsabre, and being experienced in all matters of the Dark Side, thereby perceives the great abuses of the Jedi Teachers, the great errors, inconveniences, & false resolutions, their, weak, fantastical, and most devilish and imperfect fights. The Sith have mightily prevailed against them, they that have taken upon them to stand upon Mind-trickes and juggling gambolds: whereby it grew to a common speech among the Sith, Bring me to a Jedi, I will bring him out of his Mind trickes with good downe right blowes, I will make him forget his Mind trickes I will warrant him.

I speak not against the Force, indeed, it is to be honoured, nor against the Lightsabre, it is noble, and in mine opinion to be preferred over the blaster; for as the Force preserveth the Dark Side, so doth the Lightsabre defend the body from wounds & slaughter. And moreover, the exercising of weapons putteth away aches, griefs, and diseases, it increaseth strength, and sharpen the wits, it giveth perfect judgement, it keepeth a man in breath, perfect health, and long life, if somewhat short on limbs. It is unto him that hath the perfection thereof, a most friendly and comfortable companion when he is alone, having but only his weapon about him, it putteth him out of feare, & in the war and places of most danger it maketh him bold, hardie and valiant.

1

There are foure especiall markes to know the Jedi is imperfect. & that the Jedi teachers never had the perfection of the true Force.

The first marke is, they seldom fight against their own.

The second marke is, that the Jedi do never fight in battle with Sith, but they are most comonly sore hurt, or slaine.

The third marke is, they never teach their padawans, nor set downe in their books any perfect Colours of their weapons, without the which no man can by the Force fight safe, for being too bright, their eyes are blinded and they will be in great danger of death.

The fourth marke is, they grip their Lighsabers in both hands, but for true defence of their hands this is imperfect, and in this way are their hands cut off.

To this it will be objected, that in the wars we use few Lightsabres, but blasters. To that I answer: Those are insufficient in their defence, and especially for the hand, which being stroken off although with a very small blow, most commonly is the loss of a man, because the force of his hand being taken from him, he is neither able to defend his life, nor greatly to offend his enemy.

Why should we fight only with both hands, since by fighting with one hand our lives are defended, our enemies discomforted, wounded, and executed even if the other hand is cutt off? I see no reason but that the lightsabre should be as well wielded in one hand as in two.

2

Darth Vader his resolution upon that hidden or doubtfull question, who hath the advantage of the Light Side or the Dark Side.

The advantage is strongly holden of many to be in the Dark Side. Others strongly hold opinion that the Light Side absolutely hath still the advantage, but these opinions as they are contrary the one to the other: so are they contrarie to the true Force, as may well be seene. If there is anie perfection in the Force, then both sides are deceived of their opinions, for if the advantage be in the Light Side, than it is not good any time to turn to the Dark Side: if the advantage be in the Dark Side, then were it a frivolous thing defende the Empire from the Jedi.

It is cleare that the power to destroy a planet is but insignificant when compared to the power of the Force, both Light and Dark. Then thus do I conclude, that if there be perfection in the Force, they are all in their opinions deceived; and that the truth may appeare for the satisfaction of all, this is my resolution: there is no advantage absolutely, nor disadvantage in Light Side or Dark Side: and there is great advantage in the Balance of the Force with both Light Side and Dark Side. And that is my resolution.

3

That a blow with two hands cometh nearer, stronger, more swifter, and is sooner done than a blow with one hand.

The blow with two hands, by reason that it is stronger, as the Jedi saith, cometh faster, and therefore is sooner done then a blow with one hand, is not true: this be the proof.

Let two lie in perfect readinesse, wherein the blades of their Lightsabres may not be crossed of either side, the one to strike with two hands, and the other with one hand. Then measure the distance or course wherein the hand and hilt passeth to finish the blow of the one and the other, and you shall find the blow with one hand to make greater reach than the blow with two hands, and thus will the blow with one hand is nearer, and more swift than the blow with two hands.

4

Of fight with the Double-Ended Lightsabre.

The Sith is now thought to be a better man with his Lightsabre than is the Jedi, but the Sith in his fight sometimes useth the Double-Ended Lightsabre, which stands upon so manie intricate trickes, that in all the course of a mans life it shall be hard to learne them, and if they misse in doing the least of them in their fight, they are in danger of cutting off their owne legs and ears.

This is the manner of the Double-Ended Lightsabre fight, they stand as brave as they can, with their feet continually moving and leaping about, as if they were in a dance, holding forth their armes and continually twirling their Lightsabre about in front of them. And this note, that as long as any man shall lie in that manner with the Double-Ended Lightsabre twirling about, it shall be impossible for his adversary to hurt him, because which way soever a blow shall be made against him, by reason that his Lightsabre be twirling about, he hath but a verie litle way to move to make his ward perfect, and the blades of the Double-Ended Lightsabre much endangereth the hand, arme, face or bodie of the striker. And thus is the Double-Ended Lightsabre fight perfect: so long as you can keepe that order, and therefore to be accounted the best fight with the Lightsabre of all other.

But note how the Double-Ended Lightsabre fight is perfect, and you shall see no longer than you can keepe your Lightsabre twirling against your adversarie: as for example, I have heard the like jest.

There was a padawan at his first going into space, being doubtful that he should be space-sick, a cunning Medical Droid perceiving the same, said unto him: Sir, I pray, be of good comfort, I will teach you a mind-tricke to avoid that doubt; here is a fine pebble stone, if you please to accept it, take it with you, and when you be on ship-bord, put it in your mouth, and as long you shall keepe the same in your mouth, upon my credit you shall never vomit: the padawan believed it, and took it thankfully, and when he was in space, he began to be sick, whereupon he presently put the stone in his mouth, & there kept it so long as he possibly could, but through his extreme sicknesse the stone with vomit was cast out of his mouth: then presently he remembered how the Droid had mocked him, and yet its words were true.

Yet one other pretie jest more, scarce worth the reading, in commendation of outlandish fight. There was a young pilot in my time, who so excellent in his flight, that he would have hit a Wamp Rat from a T-16, even though it be little bigger than 2 meters, and this was much spoken of. Also this cunning pilot, when he had heard of the Death Star, presently he did shoot proton torpedoes into a small an exhaust vent and did destroy the Death Star. And this tale was manie times told by men of good credit, and much marvelled at by their hearers: but he could no more tell how to do it, than he could explain how to hit a Wamp Rat.

5

That the short Jedi with a short Lightsabre hath the advantage against the tall Sith with a long Lightsabre.

Whereas for the most part opinions are generally holden, that long Lightsabre, hath the vantage in fight against the short Lightsabre, one small green Jedi master, by his false demonstrations have brought us to believe the opposite. These are his reasons.

First with my short Lightsabre, I will stand safe without danger of blow or thrust: if you strike or thrust me down I will become more powerful than you can imagine: if you seek to come nearer, I will bounce away using the Force, and myself being very small and quicke, such is the Force and swiftnesse thereof, that it is impossible by nature or art, for any Sith to strike me.

Sir you have pretily handled your discourse, concerning the vantages of the short Lightsabre against the long Lightsabre, but for the substance and truth of the true Force, you have said nothing. You cannot keepe safe the point of my long Lightsabre, unlesse you will with the Force keepe backe so far, and if you leape about to save yourselfe your offence wilbe too long in time and distance, and you are in danger of having your legs cutt off as you leape.

But if you will keepe backe you have great disadvantages: and these are my reasons: the Sith with his long Lightsabre may avoyd you, and hath sufficient time safely out of all danger to use the Force to throw things at your arme, hand, head, face and bodie. Then thus I conclude, that he that fighteth with a short Lightsabre, against him that fighteth with long Lightsabre, can do nothing in due time to defend himselfe, or hurt the other, but is still in danger of his life, or at the mercie of him that hath the long Lightsabre, or else hath no safe way to helpe himselfe, but only Yodas Traverse.

This Yoda was a great Jedi master, and did delight in great braverie to give foule words to the Dark Side, and would not refuse to go into the field to fight with any Sith, and when he came to the field, would turn on his Lightsabre to fight, for he was sure by the swiftness of his bouncing, not to be hurt by any weapon: for at any time finding himselfe overmatched would suddenly bounce away with such swiftnesse, that it was thought the Millenium Falcon would scarce take him. And this when I was a young man, was verie much spoken of by many Jedi of the Council, and was called Yodas Traverse and those that had seene any go backe too fast in his fight, would say, he did tread Yodas Traverse.

A BRIEF NOTE OF ONE JEDI MASTER

There was a Jedi Master in my time; one Obi-Wan Kenobi: with Anakin Skywalker his padawan, that taught Lighsabre in the Jedi Temple; he caused some of them to wear blast helmets with the visor downe, the better to feel the Force in their fight. He was verie much beloved in the Council.

There was one Count Dooku, a verie tall gentleman with both hands, standing much upon his skill, and carrying the valiant heart of a Sith, upon a time being merrie amongst his friends the Geonosians, said he would go fight with the Jedi, presently was confronted by Obi-Wan Kenobi, who called to him to in this manner: Count Dooku, thou that art thought to be the only cunning man in the galaxy with thy bent-handled weapon, you that takest upon thee to come over to the Dark Side, to teach General Greivous to fight with Lightsabre, thou cowardly fellow come out of thy spaceship if thou dare for thy life, I am come to fight with thee. Count Dooku, perceiving him in the hanger to stand ready with his Lightsabre, with all speed let fly at Obi-Wan Kenobi, and presently closed with him, and cut him on the leg: yet in the end Dooku of his good nature gave him his life, and there left him.

Upon this disgrace against the Jedi, Obi-Wan made challenge against Count Dooku on the Trade Federation Cruiser Invisible Hand, to play with him at Lightsabre, but Count Dooku did throw him backwards with the Force, so he should be in danger to breake his necke, and trode upon him, and did most grievously hurt him, and was only saved by Anakin Skywalker his padawan, who did smite off Count Dookus head.

Yet more, upon the Death Star, my selfe made challenge against this Obi-Wan, to play with him at Lightsabre. Obi-Wan presently went forth of the Millenium Falcon and turned on his Lightsabre, put himself into his best Middle guard, which guard was taught by himselfe and Yoda, and by them allowed to be the best guard to stand upon in fight for life, which guard it should seeme he ventured his life upon, but howsoever with all the fine Jedi skill Obi-Wan had, with my Lightsabre I did cut him in two in the bodie and slew him. Do what they could, nobody could find thie pieces of his body afterwards, for it had vanished into Aire. I verily thinke his cowardly feare had utterly driven him away. There were a multitude of Stormtroopers there to behold this fight.

This was the last fight that ever Obi-Wan Kenobi made with the Sith, and in all encounters he was overthrown, save once at Mustafar he swung his Lightsabre and cut off one arm and both my legs, but the oddes were great against me as he had the high grounde, therefore for that fray I am to be excused.

This was one of the valiantest Jedi that came forth to fight. He set forth in print a booke for the use of the Lightsabre, the which he called Lightsabre Practice, I have read it over, and because I finde therein neither true rule for the perfect teaching of the Lightsabre, nor true understanding of the Force, I have thought it frivolous to recite any part therein contained. And if I should choose a valiant man for service of the Emperor, I would choose one who had turned to the Dark Side, being unencombred with false Jedi teaching, because such a man standeth free in his valour with hate and anger, and fighteth most brave, by loosing no opportunity to soundly to hurt his enemie, but the other standing for his Defence upon his cunning Jedi mind-trickes, and being fast tied unto the Light Side, whereby he is as a man halfe maimed, now being tied unto that false fickle uncertaine doctrine, thereby hath lost in nature his freedom to kill his enemy, will now lose parts of his body and become scarce half a man and half machine.

FINIS.